Patient reflects on relapse, recovery
Wednesday, Sept. 30, 2026
Writing and art have helped Nicholas Buekea process his recovery journey at OSH. He reached out to Recovery Times to share his reflections on relapse and recovery with the hope it helps others.
“Hearing someone's story of recovery is important as it applies to the greater community to put a face to the GEI or PSRB," Buekea said.
Below is Buekea's personal reflection and poem.
Community Mirror
I ask myself, is my mistake mine alone?
No one forced me into psychosis. I also did not choose to lose my mind.
Newton's laws give us a language for inertia: matter in motion tends to remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. In my own life, I think about the momentum of cause and effect – the wounds passed from one generation to the next.
The cause, my father.
The effect, myself.
But perhaps that is too simple. Perhaps I am not merely the effect of what came before me. Perhaps I am also the point at which the momentum can change.
For years, I felt as though I were perpetually moving through history, recycling old wounds, carrying pain that had been handed down to me before I was old enough to understand it. Trauma became an inheritance. Addiction became a way of coping. Anger became a language. And eventually, my own suffering became harmful to others.
Yet inertia does not mean that motion can never change. A greater or equal force can alter its direction. I am mass carrying energy through time. My father's wounds gave me momentum, but they did not have to determine my destination. I needed a force greater than my own inertia to change my direction. I call that force God.
Through sobriety, accountability, community, and spiritual recovery, I have begun to understand that I can interrupt what was handed down to me. I cannot change the past, and I cannot erase the harm I caused. But I can learn from it. I can take responsibility for what is mine. I can seek forgiveness.
And perhaps, most importantly, I can choose what I pass on.
If energy itself isn't good or evil, perhaps morality lies not in how much energy we possess, but in what direction we give it. Einstein's equation E = mc2 shows us that a single atom has an immense amount of energy. Imagine how much energy a human soul has in changing the world around them. I choose to pass on love.
- Mass (m) = you – the embodied person carrying history, trauma, relationships, choices, and potential.
- Energy (E) = what you do with what you carry – the capacity that can become action, creativity, destruction, healing love, addiction, responsibility, etc.
- C2 = your Higher Power/light – an immense constant that transforms the relationship between mass and energy.
I did not ask to experience the things I experienced while I was still growing. But I am now asking people to dig deeply into their own struggles and perhaps find a sense of compassion and understanding.
A person cannot heal alone.
I was sentenced to the Psychiatric Security Review Board for 20 years at the age of 21 after experiencing my first psychosis and committing burglary. I was found Guilty Except for Insanity. I spent many years in the community while under conditional release.
While sober, I was able to graduate from Portland State University with a Bachelor of Science in Arts & Letters. I also graduated from Pacific University with a doctorate in occupational therapy.
Unfortunately, years later, relapse became part of my story.
After coming clean to my counselors about my behaviors and relapse in the community, I was revoked to the Oregon State Hospital, and my professional license was suspended.
Almost two years later, after receiving the treatment I needed and facing the consequences of my actions, I have been granted conditional-release readiness. I am now waiting for a group home placement.
I plan to continue my journey of sobriety, one day at a time, surrounding myself with like-minded people who want to live healthy lives. Together, no matter where we have come from, we can change ourselves for the better.
I am grateful to have published my book, Never Ending Dreams, while hospitalized. I will try to reestablish my career as an occupational therapist. I will also continue my creative endeavors in music and film.
Most importantly, I will continue to be part of the recovery community, so don't be shy about reaching out if you want a sober friend and happen to see me.
I still have nearly five years left under the jurisdiction of the PSRB, and I am 37 years old now. When I compare myself with the person I was when I first entered psychosis at 21, I have a much deeper understanding of who I can be when I am free from drugs and alcohol.
Nearly all of my accomplishments have come while I was sober. My most serious mistakes came during periods when I was using substances. Whether the substances caused those mistakes themselves, I cannot say with certainty.
But I can say this – being sober has a positive effect on me. It has a positive effect on the community around me. I can say the same for the father.
Bacchanalianism
When I lift the bottle to the sky,
My mother cries,
My father sees me through the clouds,
I ignore him,
When I put the smoke between us,
I'm searching for God, I tell myself,
Lying blindly to those that care,
What is the nature of this beast that haunts me?
It pulls at my neck, like an electric rope, lightning just won't quit.
I cut myself down from the edge of despair with the blade of two hands in prayer.
I pray daily and nightly,
Meditating on importance and purpose.
What if I am less of an artist without the green lust dust inside my system?
Then I step back and grapple with the bigger stage,
The stage of being an uncle, the stage of being a friend,
Not just the manic performer whose eccentricity can tempt people, but the careful and crafted
Passionate pianist who finds a deeper note, a more energized frequency in the center of the storm, one that calms the pain.
I cannot continue to delude myself,
I must put the addict away,
The addict calls my name,
He wants attention, to be understood, and to be loved.
I love you, I tell the mirror,
I love you,
You're going to be alright.
You are my son.